You know as a mom when you have one of those days where you just wonder, what the heck is going on?, why aren’t my kids listening to me?, why in the world did I do that?! Well, I don’t like to go into my weakness moments as a mom or parent or just my hard times in general. But I wanted to write this down so I don’t forget and hopefully so I learn something from this horrible day where I lost it as a mother.

We are down in St George with my family, all my brothers and sisters, for the St George Marathon/Confrence weekend. Way fun . . . . the only problem is that a couple days before we were heading down, Ben let me know that he had to work on Friday. So instead of him coming down with me on Thursday, he couldn’t come down until Friday night. So there is always plenty of help from my family. That one of the great things about my whole family, they are always willing and ready to help out. They never need to be asked, they just see it and help out. This helps me out especially because 3 kids without Ben can be quite the handful. So, everything has been great. I have to tell you that this house we are staying at is awesome!!!! Complete with 2 great kitchens, 2 family rooms with TV’s, and 8 bedrooms. Plenty of space for everyone. And not to mention the pool out back with the hot tub attached. So of course first thing yesterday after we got here my kids got their suits on and went out to play. Then today, by 1 they had been in and out of their suits probably 4 times. I had done something I shouldn’t have, I threatened my kids that if they acted out, like fought with eachother, I would dip them in the pool. Probably not a good idea. But anyways, so we were all getting ready to go out and play. Run some errands, then a movie then back for dinner. Well, I was a bit tired, and Mason and Samantha had been running around the couch fighting over a toy. Then Mason had taken a swipe at Samantha . I jumped out of my seat, grabbed Mason by the hand and took him outside (mind you he knew what was coming and didn’t want to come with me). I told him that I had warned him if he fought anymore what the consequence was going to be, a dip in the pool. So I grabbed his ankle and started to turn him upside down, while he is totally struggling with me. So I have him by both ankles and as I start to dip him in the pool, I start faltering a little bit. Then before I knew what was happening and what to do we were both in the water, fully clothed. It was much deeper than I thought it was going to be and I myself was having trouble catching my breath and getting my head above water. So you can imagine my scare when my little Mace was still not upright and his head was not fully above water. As I am trying my hardest to shove him up above the water and over to the edge of the pool, I give out a cry for help. Immediately Mckay is right there helping Mason out of the pool. Of course he offers to help me too, but my stubborn self refuses. Mason is over a bench with my mom completely drenched and I quickly get right there by his side. I’m not quite sure why I feel like I still need to talk about and make sure he has learned his lesson, since we are both sopping wet and balling our eyes out. Mason is crying because he is all wet and I am sobbing because of what I have done to my baby. How could I have lost it to the point of dropping/falling into the pool with my baby? Why do I think that my teaching lessons need to be so literal? He is only 3 and sometimes I forget. So I take both of us into our room and get us into some dry clothes.

This sounds like such a lame attempt to teach my son a lesson. Well, looking back, yes I could do it differently. I just couldn’t and can’t stop thinking about all they why’s and what if’s. Why do I think that I can come and do weekends by myself without Ben, Why do I think I have to be such a tough parent to these little kids? Why don’t I accept help when it is offered? Even when I was in the pool, Mckay offered to help me out and I wouldn’t take it. And the horrible thing about something like this is when you replay it in your mind and think about the what if’s of how it could have played out differently. What if I had chosen a different way to teach him not to fight. What is he hadn’t been able to catch his breath at all and couldn’t come up for air, what if no one was there to help me get him out? All these questions that I’m really grateful I don’t have to answer. They only thing that I wanted Mason to know for sure is that I didn’t mean to drop him in the water and that I love him. They funny thing is that right before this happened Mason and I had just been sitting in a chair relaxing. I was tickling his arm and we were both almost falling asleep. I still am just so rattled when I think about it. It just makes me so sad that my kids see me like that and also that my family sees me like that. It makes me feel like I’m just that mom that can’t control her kids. That mom that loses it and just looks like a fool. Not fun, right.

The real thing that I am so dang thankful for is that nothing happened. We came in and changed our clothes and threw them in the dryer. I cried and gave Mason hugs and kisses like crazy to know that he is safe with mommy and that I love him. I am sitting with 2 of my kids next to me snuggling up watching a movie. I am just so grateful for the fact that NOTHING HAPPENED!!! I just have to remind myself over and over that they are just little kids. It takes time for them to learn things and I need to be so incredibly patient. I look at my mom and dad and see how patient they always are. They are such great examples. And Ben, he is so patient and the kids love him so much. I have a lot to learn and work on, but for now, I’m just happy that nothing major happened.

And that is why everytime I head out of town without Ben, I wonder why. Why do I go? Next time I am just going to stay home and hang out in my comfortable house where I feel like I have control on parenthood.

By the way . . . . my family after told me that Mason was holding onto the edge while upside down. That explains why I lost my balance so fast. But, I am still thinking about it and am just so grateful that little kids are forgiving, forget fast, don't hold grudges and love unconditionally.